The need for approval from others
As social beings, we have a need to seek the approval of those around us in order to feel good about ourselves. However, when this need becomes constant, we develop a dependency on the opinions of others to confirm our self-worth and the correctness of our choices, without which we feel unable to function.
The need for approval and affirmation is not limited to personal life. In the professional sphere, many individuals, often those who have already achieved a significant level of success, require constant approval or affirmation of the correctness of their choices or their performance in their roles. It may sound like an oxymoron, but it is more common among high-ranking individuals than we can imagine and stems from a learned insecurity developed from their childhood years. They have been trained to feel that if they do not receive positive feedback or consult others first about their actions and receive affirmation that what they plan to do is correct, they are doing something wrong or not enjoying the appreciation of others.
A large percentage of the clients who come to work with us suffer from this need for approval. And I say suffer because it is difficult for them to feel fullness and joy for their achievements. If someone does not confirm each of their victories, then all the effort, all the work, and even the successful outcome fall into a void for them. If no one told them, it probably wasn’t important enough, and it probably wasn’t good enough. In addition, they often reach physical and mental exhaustion as they spend excessively more time making a decision. And what if what they choose does not bring the results that others expect? And if it ends in failure and they receive negative feedback? These thoughts torment them to the point where they end up paralyzed and are driven into procrastination and indecision.
So what can someone do, who has this constant need for approval and validation? Can they change this? Can they break this vicious cycle of seeking approval for their sense of self-worth? Of course, they can! First of all, it’s important to frequently reflect on what the individual has already achieved on their own, which is surely a lot, just not appreciated by themselves. They need to identify and recognize these successes as accomplishments and choices. Additionally, what’s called “gradual exposure to fear” is needed. That is, setting a goal to make decisions on their own, suppressing the initial need for approval from someone else, always of course within their own jurisdiction, and then making a conscious evaluation of the positive outcomes. This will help them build the self-confidence they need to continue. Finally, it’s very important to learn to be happy and proud of themselves, with their strengths and weaknesses, even if sometimes they don’t have the approval of others. After all, even approval is based on everyone’s perspective. Why should our own always coincide with others? At the end of the day, the results are what show whether we know how to make good decisions and not the subjective opinion of others.
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